 It's becoming clear that my behavior at past weddings has not been a sufficient deterrent for invitations to future weddings, so there's something I need to spell out for you:
If you invite me to a wedding, funeral, or other formal event, you need to be prepared to accept the Standard Get-up. This consists of:
- A gray suit that my mom bought for me 15 years ago, in a fit of rage. This is my only suit. It's hard to notice, but there is a tiny, tiny moth hole in the crotch of the pants. Don't let me catch you looking for it.
- A plain white button-down shirt. There is a fair chance that this shirt has not been washed since the last time I was at a wedding, which is the last time the shirt was worn.
- A tie. I have maybe 4 ties. I hate at least 2 of them, and at least one other one is too short. (I think you can compensate for a short tie with the knot somehow, but I can only barely tie a tie at all, let alone tie some special knot.) This leaves the M.C. Escher tie that my Aunt gave me a decade ago, which I can tolerate. The first 4 times you see me wear it you might think that it's whimsical, but I promise you that there is a 100% probability that I will choose this tie.
- Suspenders, which I have to assume have gone out of fashion, but a) I kind of like them, and b) they are attached in a complex way to the suit pants and I don't think that I could take them off if I wanted to. Remember, there is only one suit.
- Sunglasses, which do not come off for anybody's Magical Day, no matter what. Don't want me to wear sunglasses? Have a night wedding.
- Inappropriate footwear, consisting either of hiking boots, skater shoes, or bare feet. (Yes, I've been barefoot at a wedding.) You'd think that this is because I don't have dress shoes, but actually I do have them, and they "fit", in the sense that they don't hurt my feet any more than dress shoes of a smaller or larger size. But I wear comfortable shoes with my suit, because I promise you'd rather have me comfy, happy, and inappropriately shod at your wedding, than feeling cantankerous and annoyed at you and your guests for making me wear the Foot Destroyers. I'm reasonably creative, and I can cause a lot of trouble if I'm in a bad mood.
So I'm happy to come share your various formal events with you, but I'm just trying to help you understand that This Is The Contract, as far as attire goes.
It's nothing personal.
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